A Technological Battlefield: My Struggles Navigating the Digital World

Alt text: cartoon showing the back of a figure sitting in a dark room in a chair in front of their computer and scrolling excessively through the posts on the screen.

The Turning Point

If I were to map out my life on a piece of paper, there would be several moments that stand out. I like to call these moments “turning points." This refers to moments that mark a significant shift or change in my life. One of those moments takes me all the way back to 2014, when my mom lived in an apartment complex. During this time, my sister and I entertained ourselves by hanging out in the laundromat with our neighborhood friends. Often, we’d sit on the folding station, while other times we crawled on top of the machines and let our legs fall down the side of them. The air was always filled with the pungent scent of detergent as we told stories and played games. Life was a lot simpler then. We’d ride our Razor scooters till the sun went down, jump the fences for the fun of it, and our only concern was making it home before dark. 

The “turning point” was not subtle— it hit fast and hard. The change truly began when my sister and our friend got their first phones. Suddenly, our stories and games became videos and apps. The neighborhood kids retired their scooters for Nintendos, and instead of jumping the fences, laid against them as they scrolled through their devices. This was the summer our scooter gang disbanded for good, and I stopped frequenting the laundromat. In what felt like no time, my natural haven became a technological battlefield. Without a phone I was poorly equipped. I grew frustrated with technology for taking away my fun and I pledged to myself that I would never let it take over my life.

First Taste of Technology

Despite my proclamation to myself, my pledge did not last long. Flash-forward to my first year of middle school, and I finally got my very first phone. Suddenly, all my criticism towards my sister and our friend dissipates. I could now understand what made them so attached to their screens. This was also the same time that technology infiltrated my learning atmospheres. During all of middle school I was part of an experimental program, which had us working completely online– a foreign concept at the time. At first, the idea of carrying around a computer all day felt strange. I could access everything I needed for school on the exact same computer that I used to watch movies and shows. During this period, my relationship with technology was at its best. I was fascinated by its range and excited to explore all the new realms that had opened up to me.

This Rise of Comparison

It was through this exploration that I was introduced to the world of daily vlogs. Watching these vlogs, especially the back-to-school videos on YouTube, marked the beginning of my self-image issues. Creators like Bethany Mota and LaurDIY flooded my feed with their seemingly perfect routines. I remember their videos making me feel insecure about every aspect of my life; my school supplies were never as cool, my hair never as neat, and my clothes never as fashionable. The more of these videos I consumed, the more they seemed to consume me. 

This comparison worsened the older I got and was introduced to platforms like Instagram and Snapchat. Not only was I comparing myself to the popular stars I would see on my explore page, but even my peers and friends who I would see daily. I began to comparing the way I looked and also the way I was living my life. This made it hard for me to do anything without feeling shameful about the way I was doing it. On top of that, photoshop, which is used everywhere in modern media, distorts the public beauty standard to unrealistic levels, mine included. While I may have been able to detect such alterations, it was still hard for my brain to accept these falsehoods. When I saw a post of Kylie Jenner, my brain refused to see the photoshop and automatically began comparing. Similarly, when people see my Instagram photos, they are unable to see the hundreds of photos I took before getting that one perfect picture. 

Social media has warped my perception of myself and others because I never see the process, but solely the result. While I could see the negative way that technology was affecting me, I still fostered a complicated relationship with it. As much as I wanted to unplug from all the apps that were making me feel so bad, they were also the very thing helping me. When I feel insecure or lonely after seeing an Instagram post, I can hop onto YouTube to cheer myself up, or scroll through TikTok to take my mind off of things. To me, the internet is both the knife that cuts me and the bandage that stops the bleeding. Even though I can not see it, the wound is still there. 

Taking Back Control

In my current life technology still plays a prominent role; however, I have established a greater amount of control over it. These platforms made me feel bad about myself and about the way I was spending my time. I realized recently how disconnected I was from my own life, and have made strides to fix that. TikTok, an app that I used for hours a day until recently, has now been replaced with reading and time with my roommates. I have relied on technology as a primary form of entertainment for me most of my life, which caused me to forget about other pursuits that interest me just as much. Cutting down my use of it has not only improved how I feel about myself but also my relationships with others. I no longer feel the need to change who I am based on the things I've seen online. While technology still plays a prominent role in my life, it does not dictate my every move anymore. I have relinquished it from the power it held over me, and have been happier ever since!