With the surge of the COVID-19 pandemic, I think it would be safe to say that we all started spending more and more time online. Given the fact that the internet is a space where thousands of ideas and opinions are being shared at any given time, chances are you’re going to come across or interact with communities that you may have never seen or even heard of before. It’s easy to fall down a rabbit hole of content that you may never look for otherwise. During my chronically online era of the pandemic, I stumbled upon a few videos and podcasts that discussed ideas surrounding masculinity in a way that I had never seen before. From these videos, I was led down a rabbit hole of other content and communities that are centered around societal standards surrounding men. After years of observing these communities and looking back at how their rhetoric has impacted me, my mental wellbeing, and perceptions of the world over the years, I have…some thoughts.
Before interacting with these communities, I was just a normal teenager. I was 15 going on 16 when the pandemic hit and at that time, I didn’t have a care in the world. I hadn’t put much thought into how I looked or how I presented myself. I would only really do the bare minimum to make sure that I was at least presentable. That was just all that I deemed necessary at the time. I remember the first time I’ve ever consumed a piece of this “self help” content. From the surface, I saw a seemingly respectable and successful man sharing what seemed like a “key to success”. Me being the impressionable teenager I was, I attempted to adopt the mentality that made this man successful. I figured that if I wanted a better shot at achieving “success”, I might as well get an early start at adopting the necessary mindset. Where is the harm in adopting a success oriented mindset? If it worked for him, why wouldn’t it work for me?
Ever since then, I’ve been on an ongoing journey of trying to be better. When one thing doesn’t work out, move on to the next strategy. Advice among men’s self help communities is often a mixed bag, some good, some bad. In retrospect, one of the biggest issues that I’ve found with these communities and creators was the encouragement of unrealistic expectations and shaming other men that don’t meet these expectations.
Due to a lot of this content being directed towards young men, it’s easy for those that consume this content to fall into a sense of inadequacy. When you’re growing and trying to figure out who you are or who you want to be, feeling as if what you’re doing isn’t enough isn’t uncommon. Putting in work without seeing the benefits. With so much talk surrounding financial success and trying to reach peak physicality, oftentimes, these insecurities are brought to light through the words and deeds of the one going through them, projecting those insecurities onto others. Rather than these spaces being used to uplift struggling men, they became places that feed into their insecurities and tear others down. I was fortunate enough to pick up on how this rhetoric was making me feel and do something about it, a lot of young men unfortunately don’t. Falling into a trap of constantly comparing themselves to others, putting themselves in boxes, and having their insecurities perpetuated.
While what I’ve said up to this point has created a lot of negative associations surrounding self help content, there are some exceptions and positive takeaways from these communities. I’ve come across content with an emphasis on staying healthy, building confidence, managing finances, and taking pride in your appearance. I feel that all of these things are important for anyone to put effort into in order to grow into the best version of themselves. I would argue that this kind of messaging is way more effective than putting people in boxes and perpetuating negativity. The issue presented here is that while there are positive takeaways, they are often outshadowed by all of the negative rhetoric surrounding these communities and how it affects young men.
How things were back in my high school days is very different from how things are now. Nowadays, I put effort into almost every aspect of how I present myself, from my skin and hair to the nitty gritty details of what I’m wearing. I don’t attribute this change in mindset and effort to the ideas spread amongst self help communities, but rather from what I've learned from my observations from some of these communities and hearing what others have to say.
I’ve learned a lot over the years about how to be better and how to become the person I want to be for my friends and family down the line. Even though I’ve learned a lot, I’m still learning and have a lot of room for improvement. I attribute these learnings to more positive influences I’ve had in my life that encouraged me to think for myself and stand on my own set of values. Learning from friends, family, and hearing about others' lived experiences has taught me more about growing into my own than any online self help influencer ever has.
Anyone that knows me well may view it as out of character for me to be vocally sharing these ideas, and I can see how that may be the case. I don’t typically discuss ideas surrounding societal standards and masculinity like…at all in casual conversation. In recent months however, ideas surrounding manhood and masculinity have been circulating in the back of my mind for one main reason. In December of 2022, my first nephew was born and ever since then, it’s become very important to me to become the best role model I could be for him. Even though he still has 2 loving parents in his life, it’s still important to me that I, eventually, become the type of person he could look up to. With him growing up in an era of the internet in which there is so much negativity, I hope to set a good example of what a well respected and well constructed man looks like.
With all of this being said, the current state of men's self help is flawed, to say the least. There is some good that can come from some of the most weird and obscure situations, it’s still important to acknowledge the problems and have a healthy dialogue surrounding those issues. While it may be easy to sink into negativity, personal progress is made through the give and take of ideas and the right motivation to want to be better.
Aaron Riley
Being open about this, in part to be a role model for your nephew, is extremely touching. Being open about these struggles and influences from internet influencers is the only way to prevent people to be negatively influenced in the same way. As a woman, I have had experiences similar to you, but it seems almost entirely different from your perspective, which I find interesting. After the toxic masculinity "alpha-male" controversy in the past few years, I don't think I've ever really thought about how it was still happening prior to the new wave blowing up pre-covid. This was super insightful!
I agree that some internet influencers have screwed the idea of true masculinity. To me real masculinity is bringing people up who may be struggling, and accepting help when you yourself are struggling, unlike the "putting people down" mentally these influencers may promote
As a women, its really interesting to hear about the mans side of online "self-help". I've seen a lot of "Alpha-male"/ rage bait content of men spreading sexism, racism, homophobia, and basically any other ideal that will get you "cancelled". The problem is young boys take what these men are saying to be true and spreading these ideals. The internet is FULL of misinformation and its only getting worse, so I believe its really important that you emphasize learning of spotting this info and growing from it.
I thought your experience with self-care was an interesting journey. When you were mentioning about the negative sides of men's self-care, I originally thought about those influencers that hosted 'boot-camps' to make boys into men or podcasts that tell people that you are not a man unless you treat women with disrespect to show how "Alpha" you are. But, I am glad that you have been on your own path, it really shows how no body is on the same journey as each other and we can only do what works for us. I hope you become the person that your nephew and you inspired to be.